Teenagers notoriously dislike being told, lectured, or yelled at by their parents. While we often think that being directive will help, it usually backfires, making teenagers feel disempowered and unmotivated. Dr. Phil's question comes to mind: "How's that working for ya?"
Our intention is to guide and support our teens through their educational struggles, like preparing for exams, but our approach can sometimes have the opposite effect. Too often, teens feel helpless or embarrassed, while parents express frustration, "My kid just won’t listen to my advice.”
Building Motivation Through Collaboration
Motivating your teenager is not about getting them to do what you want but engaging them in conversation and problem-solving. It doesn't mean abandoning discipline but changing how you communicate. By including teens in the process and understanding their perspectives, you might find them more willing to study and ask for help. They do want your support, even if they don’t always show it. If we handle kids with power and control, that's what we get back. But what happens if we collaborate with them—as partners—instead?"
When speaking to your teen, remember to be kind, calm, warm, present, and firm. Here are the top phrases to avoid and what to say instead:
INSTEAD OF: What you SHOULD do is..."
TRY: "What have you tried so far? What are some other ways you could tackle this?"
PURPOSE: Allow them to express their thoughts and participate in problem-solving. Build resourcefulness.
INSTEAD OF: "If I were you..."
TRY: "Would you like me to offer some suggestions?"
PURPOSE: Always consider their perspective and consent before offering advice. Build collaboration.
INSTEAD OF: "If you would just try harder, you would do so much better."
TRY: "I can see this is challenging for you. What do you find the most difficult?"
PURPOSE: Recognize their struggles and focus on understanding the obstacles they face. Build critical thinking.
INSTEAD OF: "School was way harder when I was your age..."
TRY: "I remember failing ______. It was brutal. It stunk."
PURPOSE: Share your own failures to show empathy and understanding. Build connection.
INSTEAD OF: Can I help?"
TRY: "How can I help?"
PURPOSE: Encourage them to think about specific ways you can assist. Build innovation.
INSTEAD OF: Have you studied enough?"
TRY: "How confident are you feeling about _____?"
PURPOSE: Shift the focus to their self-assessment of confidence and preparation. Build self-analysis skills.
INSTEAD OF: "Practice Makes Perfect!"
TRY: "Practice Makes Permanent."
PURPOSE: Highlight the importance of consistent effort over the unattainable goal of perfection. Build growth mindset.
INSTEAD OF: "You’re so smart. You’ll be fine."
TRY: "What you’re doing is challenging. Good for you for making an effort when it’s difficult. Your practice is paying off."
PURPOSE: Praise their effort, not just their inherent abilities. Build resilience.
INSTEAD OF: "I’m going to email your teacher about THIS..."
TRY: "When are you planning to touch base with your teacher about…?”
PURPOSE: Encourage them to take responsibility for their own communications and self-advocacy. Build conflict resolution skills.
INSTEAD OF: "You’re going to fail if you don’t study."
TRY: "I see that you are avoiding studying. What’s up with that? Let’s brainstorm some ways together to help you get started."
PURPOSE: Focus on exploring underlying issues and collaboratively finding solutions. Build strategy skills.
Try incorporating these "TRY" phrases and observe the impact. Remember, practice makes permanent—even for parents! We're honoured to support you on your educational journey. Feel free to reach out for assistance anytime.
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